Mothering is difficult. I remember being nine months pregnant with my first child and sitting by myself in the nursery. I smiled, rocking gently back and forth in the sturdy oak chair that fit perfectly into the room decor. Everything was in its place and was ready to go. I sat quietly with my hands placed lovingly on my belly and thinking of how perfect everything looked. There was a stack of newborn diapers on the changing table, the cloud wallpaper was seamlessly placed on the ceiling and the crib was polished and the linens crisp and clean. I was convinced that I was going to be the perfect mother, avoiding all the pitfalls every other mother had ever encountered. This was going to be a piece of cake.
It didn’t take me long to realize how naïve and unprepared I was for motherhood. Every experience was and continues to be brand new. I went through the neatly stacked newborn diapers in less than a day and spent many, many hours on that hard, wooden rocker in the middle of the night, soothing and nursing my infant daughter. Being a new mother was challenging and honestly, a little bit scary. However, there was one thing that helped me through every formidable moment and that was the presence of my mother. Selflessly and without hesitation, she offered to move into our spare bedroom for several weeks to assist me in establishing a routine. She prepared all of the meals, cleaned the house and stuck her head in the nursery door at 2:00 AM on those nights when the crying seemed endless, offering her love and support. She duplicated that same altruism when my son was born two years later.
That was almost 35 years ago and she is now 94 years old. My children consider her their best friend and closest confidant. She has been their champion in every hurdle they have ever encountered. She is that Grandma that had mountains of toys for them to play with and secretly caved into all of the things that were on my “please don’t do” list. It took me many years to understand that she wasn’t trying to undermine what I was doing; she only wanted to see them have their every wish and more fulfilled. She has always cherished their smiles, laughter and the endless and abounding love they offer her.
In Buddhism, there is a concept known as robai-shin, or grandmother mind, which was first taught by Japanese Zen Master Dogen, the founder of the Soto Zen school. It represents overwhelming kindness, compassion, and empathy. It means being selfless and offering unconditional love and support - feeding your children and grandchildren before you feed yourself; offering the warmth of a blanket, when you, yourself are freezing and always offering kindness. My mother adored her father and her favorite story about him is one in which she describes him offering his coat to a complete stranger who was standing out in the cold. He simply gave it away no strings attached. This is an essential element of robai-shin; there is no expectation for giving, no hidden agenda. Everything that is offered is done so through the lens of kindness and compassion for the betterment of humanity, much like the practice of Reiki. It is an offering of love.
Although I am still unsure that my mother fully understands Reiki, she has never wavered in her support of what I’ve chosen to be my life path. While my siblings still roll their eyes, my mother understands how important and life changing Reiki has been for me. She has been my model for Reiki photos, touts to her friends how wonderful it is and is my biggest cheerleader. However, what she will never fully understand is that she paved the way for this journey.
She taught me to be kind, compassionate and giving. When my brother was critically injured in a motorcycle accident when he was a teenager, I watched her gently care for him and nurse him back to health. Whenever I was sick as a child, she would carve out a cozy space for me on the sofa, cover me with a soft warm blanket and soothe me with a loving touch.
There is no doubt that mothering was and still is challenging for her. Just like most families, ours has its fair share of dysfunction; siblings who haven’t talked in years, hostilities that somehow can’t be tamed and occasional angry words and actions. Through all of it, my mother has been an open vessel for attempting to bring peace, harmony and understanding to every situation. She continues to hold a space of love and compassion and hopes that one day, all will be resolved.
When new mothers give birth, they begin a journey of uncharted waters with the best of intentions. The years fly by and each moment is a new learning experience. The lesson lies in embracing the wisdom of the grandmother mind and approaching each challenge with a heart of peace and actions filled with a bottomless well of understanding and compassion.
Originally published in Therapeutic Thymes Magazine
Addendum: My beautiful, kind, compassionate mother transitioned from this life to one of ultimate joy on April 13, 2020. She will be greatly missed.